Warning — Or: The Trials and Tribulations of a Vegan With a Long-Range Plan

    old woman 2   

By Elizabeth Speth

(With deep and profound apologies to Jenny Joseph)

pig

When I am an old woman I shall wear cheese
Sprinkled on my shirt where it doesn’t go, and on my widening hips
And I shall spend my pension on prosciutto and mortadella
And raw oysters, and say we’ve no money for kale.
I shall sit down right at the bar when I’m tired
And gobble up steamed clams and mussels and drink dry martinis.
And run my mouth in public railings
Against sobriety and restraint in one’s youth.
I shall go out and barbecue lobster in the rain
And steal the herbs in other people’s gardens
And learn to confit.

old woman 3

I will wear terrible, elastic clothing and grow more jolly
And eat three pounds of charcuterie at a go
Or only butter and brie for a week
And hoard tuna and sardines and jars of caviar and things in boxes.

old woman 5

But now we must be vegans that keep
Sustainable farming practices, and avoid taco trucks in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have quinoa for dinner and read the health studies.

old woman 8

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

old woman 9

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear cheese?

old woman 4

2 thoughts on “Warning — Or: The Trials and Tribulations of a Vegan With a Long-Range Plan

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